Trying to make this work

I have decided that it would be awesome to have a super popular blog! While reading a few things on how to make my blog popular the one thing that could possibly stop my domination of the blog world would be the fact that I don't blog everyday. I always find something to keep myself busy, like being lazy, instead of sitting at my computer and typing out a few words.

Part of my new year resolution was to become a much more productive person. So far, the first week I have not been so productive. I have managed to wait until the last minute to do my school work, waited until the weekend to work on my book (the book taht is still sitting on my bed open at chapter 5 waiting for me to finish editing it) and I have skipped a few work outs this week. Yeah, I am not doing so good on this resolution thing.

I want to start week two of 2011 a little differently. I want to do everything I can possibly cram into one day. By the time I am ready for bed I will be so drained and tired that all I can do is lay down and pass out. This is exactly why I bought my new planner, so I can plan out my days and get everything done that needs to be done. I am going to do this.

When I set down to plan out tomorrow I will make sure to add an hour in there to blog. Why an hour? Well, I have two blogs that I am trying to keep up with. This one and my fitness blog. I have been keeping up with my other blog rather well, only a few missed blogs this week. This blog on the other hand, I always find things I want to write about and then I forget. What kind of writer does that make me?

There are a few things that you should look forward to seeing from now on. First, if I can't think of something awesome to write I may just write a short story for you. I could write a run down of how my day went, hopefully without boring you to death. Possibly post a rather intelligent blog here and there.

In the long run, I want this blog to  be a place for people to come and read about me and my thoughts. When I finally get a book published and quit my job so I can write more books, I want this to be a place for my readers and fans to come find out more about me. I know it is weird, but I really enjoy reading about my favorite authors and what they are doing. I know that many other readers are the same way, so I want to give the people what they want. I want to give people a look into my life, from before I published my book all the way until I fizzle out and pass on to the great unknown.

Here is my promise to the few people that read my blogs now. I promise to blog everyday no matter how boring I think it may be, no matter how few views or comments I get. I know that one day this blog will serve it's true purpose and when that day gets here I will rejoice.

Until we meet again

It really is Magic!

It's really funny, some of the things you think about when you are alone. Or maybe it is just me? I believe in a lot of things and magic is one of those things.

Today while driving to the store I figured something out. Actually, it is more of a question than figuring anything out.

Think about this, the sun, the very thing that gives us light during the day, is just a star very very far away. Yet, it shines so bright it gives us light, heat and power! It gives us light, not just during the day, but at night too. That is why the moon seems to have a glow to it because the light from the sun bounces of the moon and gives a nice nightly glow. Sure, there is a "scientific" explanation for all this. But if you really think about it, its magic!

Seriously, why made a big ball of gas ignite, causing a star or our sun? And then, what gave it the power, the strength and heat to give earth life? We have tons of theories, some come down to science and others come down to God. I tend to believe God lit the sun on fire and decided that earth needed the sun to live. What if God is just a magician, warlock, witch, wizard that created this wonderful place we call home?

God could be like a writer, only with the power to make the world he writes about come to life. And if you don't believe in God maybe the whole magic thing makes more sense. Unless you are one of those boring people that believe everything has a scientific explination.

My opinion, there is no such thing as a scientific explanation. What there is, is a bunch of men in white lab coats making up words and stories to make people feel safe in their boring lives.

The point of this all is, if we can believe and see that the sun heats up and provides light to the world, why can we not believe in magic, when magic is right there in front of us? Why is it such a bad thing to believe in something we can not wrap our minds around? I sometimes find it hard to wrap my mind around heaven and God but I still believe in them both, yet that is acceptable?

I wish that I could have lived back in the time where people believed that "I curse you for a thousand years!" was an actual threat. You know, back when women wore dresses that they made themselves and everyone lived in homes where the only heat was a fire. Are you following me?

I guess I just wish more people believed in the unbelievable as much as I do. I wish there were more people that were not afraid to dream and not afraid to voice their opinions. I want to go back to a time where if I say I believe in vampires people would say "You gotta be careful of those blood suckers. They steal your soul and pass their curse on to you." And say it with a straight, fear filled, face.

I refuse to deny my beliefs because the world says I am crazy for believing in such things.

Until we meet again

Breaking Free

I have finally realized a few things in my life that have been holding me back. Things that I do all the time that I know I shouldn't. For 2011 I am determined to let things go so that I can move on and become the woman I am supposed to be.

I am strong but I let the fear of failure stop me. I am wise but I let the fear of saying something stupid stop me. I am fun, amazing, beautiful, caring, creative and just plain me, but I let the fear of life stop me.

For as long as I can remember I have been accustomed to hide in the corner, in the shadows, away from everyone. Always because I was so afraid someone would notice my flaws and point them out. And while pointing them out they would break me down more than I have already broken myself. What I am starting to realize is that my flaws are what make me unique. Because of my flaws I should walk with my head held high and smile brightly to the world.

It has taken me a while to figure out life. It has taken me, what seems like forever, that all I need in this world is the acceptance from me. When it comes to me, my opinion is the only one that should matter. If I think I look beautiful today, than I do! And you can't tell me any different. All that matters is the confidence I gain from encouraging myself. Once I can accept myself others will accept me.

People are like dogs...hold on before you laugh. Think about a dog, they are good at sniffing things out. Dogs that sniff out drugs, dead bodies, lost children, gas leaks...and what ever else is lost and needs to be found (that has a scent anyways.) And humans are the same way. We sniff out weakness and we cling to that. We can tell when a young girl has no confidence in herself because she walks with her head down, her hair hiding her face, and possibly black and baggy clothes. We can tell when a young boy has no confidence because he tends to pick on the kids that are smaller than him and pointing out their flaws.

The sad thing about it is, some people gain confidence from hurting people that already have little to no confidence. That is just, sick. Sick! But, its even worse that these people let words, simple, meaningless words, get to them. I was one of those people. I used to hate myself because of what other people had said about me.

I am sure that you can guess it, but I was picked on in school. Not so much in High School because I had good friends that backed me up. But before high school I felt like school was nothing more than hell. I wish that I had known then how little those words would mean to me 10 years later.Maybe then I could have been a happier child.

But, to make up for my ignorance then, I will learn to accept myself now. And not just that, I will learn to accept others for who they are. It's the best thing we can do for each other, right?

I say, try smiling at that people that seem sad. Smile at everyone. I was once told that a smile could brighten someones day, it's true. Who knows how many people we could give hope to, just from a smile.

So, I have decided, I am going to break free from humanity. I am going to rise above the torture that we cause each other. I will find happiness in everything I can. And I will show everyone what I have found. You just wait and see. I will change the world.

Until we meet again

Chained to the past

It's funny, I get so mad and jealous when I see how far people have taken their lives. All of my friends are either married with kids, married, engaged, or living on their own. Even the people in my family that I grew up with, most of them are moved out of their parents house make a life for themselves. They all have these amazing stories and they are always going out and having fun.

Then there is me. Stuck. Chained to a part of life I just can't let go of. Still living at home with my parents, still in college. And I think the biggest reason I am still in college is so I have an excuse to still be living with my parents. Of course I like the idea that I can tell people I have a 4 year degree, it makes me feel smart. But, my heart is just not in it anymore. I have so much that I want to do. I want to join the military and become a published author. I want to travel the world and have more than one home.

I can't do that though, because I have chained myself to the past. I have stopped myself from growing up like I should. The idea of moving on scares the crap out of me. Facing the world alone is a very scary concept. I fear what will happen when I finally move out of my parents house. How, even though we still talk, we will all somewhat grow apart. We will go our separate ways and nothing will be the same. And, so I don't have to face that, to face the future, I live in the past. I don't let myself grow and open up to the world.

I want to stay right were I am. I want to be that teenager in high school again. The teenager that loves her parents but just wishes they would give her a little more freedom. The teenager whose biggest worry is homework and if that really cute guy she spotted could possibly find it in his heart to like her.

Now, I sit back and watch everyone move on. I watch as some struggle with reality and others flourish. Some create beautiful families and create beautiful homes and a group of new friends. Some disappear into an adventure I could not possibly imagine.

I sit here thinking that the life my friends live could never satisfy my adventurous soul. I am always looking for something magical, something simply amazing, something right out of a dream. And that is what has held me back for so long. I keep waiting for things to be perfect. I know nothing is perfect but there are perfect moments and that is what I am looking for. The perfect moment to step out and walk down the steps. The perfect moment to open the windows and let the sun shine in. The perfect moment to move on.

Maybe in 2011 I need to push forward anyways. I need to face reality and take it for what it is. I should leave back these silly, childish dreams of mine and grow up. I need to move on and step out of the past, over the now, and into the future. And that realization alone breaks my heart. Who ever wants to let go of their childhood dreams? But, then again, who has tried as hard as I have to hold on to them well past their expiration date?

I do have "adult" dreams. As I said before. I want to join the military and become a published author. I also, would one day, love to have a family of my own. Maybe once I make it there, it will not be as magical as I want it to be but it will be magical in its own right. I just have to put away the fear.

My 2011 resolution will be to try my best to work towards the dreams I know I can make happen myself. And while I will not let go of those fantasy dreams, I will not make them as important as I have in  the past. I will work on finishing school for the final time and getting in shape to go into the military and FINALLY finishing my first book so that I can start sending it off and hope for the best while I start the next one. And as long as I keep what is most important up front, I might possibly find my other dreams along the way. I guess, at 25, it really is time to face the facts and grow up.

Until Next Time
*Heather*

I Don't Want to Grow Up!

Kids have it easier than they think they do. Sure, you have to listen to your parents, go to bed on time, do your homework, and you have everyone telling you what to do. But they don't think about what they don't have to put up with. They don't have to pay bills, go to work, worry about putting gas in the car, or being mature. They get away with acting silly and having a good time while me, I have to actually act like an adult (in some situations).

I remember being younger and thinking how awesome it would be to drive where ever I wanted to go. Now I think about how much gas it is going to take to get to where I NEED to go. It used to be so simple asking my mom to take me somewhere, though as I got older instead of getting to go I was told "I don't have money for gas." I even remember thinking how once I got a car I would ALWAYS have money for gas so I could go where ever I wanted to go. Needless to say, that didn't work out so well.

And what about how once we are teenagers we think we are adults and we know everything. We think the world is just full of adventures and nothing but great things. We just couldn't wait to gain that freedom we so longed for. Now, I want my freedom taken back so I don't have to face reality. The world is full of adventures, yes, but it is also full of hateful things that we didn't pay attention to when we were younger. Now, I would love to only worry about going to school every morning and getting my homework done.

Another thing I think about often is how I used to complain and put off doing my homework. Now, I would kill for the easy homework that I could easily make up as I went along. I miss not having to pay for school and getting stressed when I am loaded down with school work. When I was in public school, if I got loaded down with homework I would just shrug my shoulders and let something fall behind the desk. You can't do that in college. One missed homework assignment and you are fighting to keep a passing grade the rest of the time. And there is always that worry that if you fail a class you will have to retake and PAY for it again.

Growing up was the fun part. Being an adult and actually accepting all my responsibilities, not so fun. It gets better as I move forward and learn new things. Like, I have finally learned to manage my money so I always have a little to spend on myself. I have learned to manage my time as well. I know when I can watch tv or play a game and when I need to be studying or doing something productive. I have it a little easier than some adults because I do still live at home with my parents and my parents are awesome cause they don't ask for me to pay rent. So I don't have to worry about making a house payment or paying electric and water bills.

I do, however, have to worry about the bills that I built up on my own. One thing that most teenagers think is, "it would be so cool to have a credit card!" Yeah, I was one of those teenagers. I thought having a credit card was just the greatest thing ever. Now I wish I had been a little smarter and listened to my mom when she told me it was not all it was cracked up to be. Stupid teenagers.

My advice to any child, teenager, or young adults (anyone younger than 21) DO NOT get credit cards. Do not rush growing up. Enjoy the limited freedom you have right now because full freedom is not as fun as you think. Have fun being a kid and don't let go until you absolutely have to.

I admit that I am still holding on to the childishness that lives inside me. I enjoy laughing at something completely retarded. And I have my moments of immaturity. Actually, I probably have a lot of those moments. I also have my moments of adult immaturity (ex. Mind in the gutter). I just wish I could be a kid again. I wish I could play with barbies and dolls after school. Fight all night with my parents about how I have to go to bed too early and get up cranky cause I stayed up to late. I miss falling asleep in class and having lunch with all my classmates. And I miss looking forward to the weekends because I can sleep all day and try to stay up all night when in most cases I still fell asleep before midnight.

Oh, to be a child again.

Until Next time
*Heather*

Christmas is coming!

I think my letter to Santa actually worked! I am in full Christmas mode now. About time though, Saturday is Christmas day. I got so into the spirit that I made goody bags for my class Thursday and took in candy canes for class Friday. The bags were not much but, hey, it was free candy! I even decorated my blogs for Christmas and my facebook is a little decked out as well as another online place I sometimes visit. So, most of my Christmas spirit has been expressed on the computer but isn't that where life takes place now? Sad I know, but true.

I am so excited about Christmas this year though. I usually miss out on my Grandparents Christmas get together because of work. This year I get off work at Noon! How awesome is that! I will be tired, yes, but I will get to my grandparents on time. Although, who knows what that is going to be like this year. The whole family seems to be on outs at the moment. I am not sure what is going on but there seems to always be a fight going on with them. And holidays usually mean a big fight. It is fun before the fights break out though. Then after that my parents, brother and I have to rush home to get the house and food ready for the get together we have every year.

Now the party at my house is always awesome! It's loud and crazy, chaotic really, but it is the most fun ever! I get to see family members that I have not seen since last Christmas and we catch up on what is going on. Now, because of life being on the net now, I do keep up with family members better than before. But it is still fun to see them. And we all have a good time over ham and sausage biscuits and what ever other random food people bring. You would think there was no planning to our party but there really is. It is always fantastic.

And then we come to Christmas day, all that other stuff happens Christmas Eve...busy day. Christmas day is a little more laid back. Because me and my brother still live at home my parents still go all out for the "Santa" thing. And me and my brother usually go all out for my parents and each other. And of course my brother is still a kid at heart, as is my dad, they are both up really early Christmas Day to open gifts. The rest of the day is spent playing with our new toys, even though toys now are anything electronic, and eating and of course napping all day. *sigh* I can't wait.

I keep talking to people about what they will be doing for Christmas and it is so funny to me to see the different things people do for Christmas. Some go everywhere on Christmas day and others take a trip out of town to go skiing. Then, some do everything on Christmas eve and Christmas day is just another day to them. What ever happened to the Christmas magic, where Christmas is all about getting together and having an awesome time. Laughing over egg nog (eww) and fruit cake (eww again). I think some where along the way we all forgot what Christmas is about. Sure it is the day Jesus was born and we are supposed to be celebrating that. We are supposed to celebrate the kindness of giving. So many people are worried about what they are getting. And lets not even bring up the Black Friday issue. Could people be any more evil!?

I should stop there before I go on a rant and lose my train of thought. Not that  I really had a train of thought when I started this.

Before I go I would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and I hope that you all have a wonderful, safe time. And don't forget what Christmas is really about...if we even remember at all.

Until Next Time
*Heather*

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,
   I have been a really good girl this year and I think I deserve a really awesome gift. But, there is a problem. See, I seem to have lost my Christmas spirit. It has gotten so bad I fail to understand the point of decorating. I always love decorating the tree and bugging my dad to put up the big Santa in the yard. By this time most years I am singing Christmas music and watching all these awesome Christmas movies. This year the movies are making it worse. I feel so heart broken that I can't seem to find that giddy happy holiday joy.
   So Santa if you don't mind could you maybe make an early stop at my house and help me find my Christmas spirit? Then maybe you could possibly drop off a cute boyfriend for me too? Just kidding, sort of. I am searching really hard for my Christmas spirit this year but she seems to be hiding in a new spot this year. Christmas music isn't doing it for me, or movies, or even decorating...everything isn't going to help this year.
   What is going to help? How can I find it? You are Santa, you should know how to find my spirit right? Work your magic and help me, please. I am so desperate to find that joy that always comes with the holidays.
   And then after I find that I would like for you to help me find a little inspiration to help me lose the weight that I need and become healthy. See Santa, I don't want material things for Christmas this year. I think I just need some help in repairing my soul. I have lost a lot of it over the years. My holiday spirit, my inspiration and drive, and possibly even the part that allows me to let new people in. I seem to have shut down and I have gotten really good at pushing people away. And I am good at not letting people know much about me or who I really am. Although, I sometimes wonder if I even know who I am.
   Santa, I know that you have a busy time this year, you know, delivering all those miracles and all. So if you can't help me out this year I will totally understand. I am sure there are people that deserve a miracle more than me. Just keep me on your list, even if it's at the bottom. Maybe one year you can make it to me. I will still believe in you.

With Love
*Heather*