Behind These Eyes (poem)

My goal in 2011 is to have a folder full of poems like I had in 2007. I stopped writing in 2009, wrote a little more in 2010, and I need to get back to what I love to do.

Behind These Eyes

If only you could see what lies behind these eyes

Secrets

Pain

Lies

Stories I tell myself to make me smile

Confidence I fake

Truth I crave to find

If only you could see what lies behind these eyes

Starvation of love

Hope for more

Wish for something to change

Thoughts of making it end

Ideas of stealing anothers dream

Drive to make my own dreams come true

If only you could see what lies behind these eyes

Then maybe you would see my hunger

A hunger for what I have never had

You would see how much I hide myself

You'd understand the tears I dare not shed

Maybe you could help me

Though, I am beyond outside help

If only you could see what lies behind these eyes

I would no longer be alone

I could smile a real smile

I would tell him how I feel

Put away my fears and step out

Bathe in the calming light of the moon

Become the woman I should have always been

If only you could see what lies behind these eyes

Secrets

Pain

Lies

Then you could save me

Letting Go of Me (Poem)

Letting Go of Me

You have to let her go

She needs to move on

Unchain her feet and let her walk

Unbind her wings and let her fly

Turn on the light so she can see

Run away the blackness so she is safe

Pull back your ribs and let her out of your prison

She is ready to dance

She is ready to run

She is ready to take life by the horns and make it her own

It is time you let her go

No more holding back

No more "tomorrow"

It is today

Today she must be set free

Today she must fly

Today she must step out and take chances.

Unchain my feet and let me run

Unbind my wings and let me fly

Turn on the light so I can see

It is time I set myself free.

Coffee!!!

Have you ever noticed that our society pretty much revolves around coffee? When someone notices someone and they want to get to know them better, what do they ask? "Want to go get coffee sometime?" How about meetings at work, the secretary brings in coffee for everyone. What is the first thing most people think about in the morning? Coffee!

It's crazy! And here I am, the oddball that can not stand coffee. What is the first thing I think about in the morning? Oatmeal...yeah, food. Or getting some water because my throat is super dry. I would love to get up in the morning, grab a cup of coffee so loaded with caffeine that I can get through the next few hours like I have been asleep for years.  I would love to wake up every morning to the wonderful smell of the delicious black drink that seems to drive America.

Sadly, I only like the smell. No, I LOVE the smell of coffee. If it tasted like it smelled I would drink it every chance I got. But no, it taste bitter and just...disgusting. I have loaded it down with sugar and creamer so that it is pretty much sugar and creamer with coffee flavor but that bitter taste gets me every time!

Since I don't drink sodas much anymore (maybe once a week if any) I have only one source of caffeine and that is tea. But, most of the time I don't even drink tea, just water all day long. And I just can not wrap my mind around the draw of coffee.

Someone please tell me, what makes coffee so great? Is it the fact that it is loaded with caffeine? You can get an energy boost from other things you know. I have a few ideas for you. Instead of drinking coffee in the morning, put on some really awesome music that is inspiring and uplifting, dance around for a bit then go take a shower. Right...no time for that.

I just want to know why everyone around me seems to love coffee. Is it just a social thing? "I can't think of anything else to do so lets go get coffee." or "I have not tortured myself enough, let me go drink of cup of bitter liquid they call coffee."

That's it isn't it? You drink it for torture! Either way, to me coffee is just nasty. Though, I find myself trying different kinds determined to find a coffee I like. Why? I guess I just want to fit in at least one place in life.

Let's go get a cup of coffee...

Until Next Time

P.S. Can we go for tea instead?

Wonderland (a poem)

Wonderland

Another day, one more lock
Some other time, a different clock
Late again Mr. Rabbit?
You have adopted a bad habit
Seeing things I do not know
Eating cake because it says so
Drinking potions that make me shrink

Hearing riddles that make me think
A floating smile and a purple cat
A mad man with a crazy hat
Crazy creatures that join for tea
Tweedledum and Tweedledee?
An angry Queen dressed in red
She's always shouting "off with their head!"
Bright and funny, Dark and scary
A world that is frightening and merry
A rude little bug blowing smoke in my face
Who will soon turn into a bug of grace
How I would love to stay for more tea
But reality is forever calling me
Another adventure and unlocked doors
Tomorrow I will finally open a few drawers
Goodbye for now Mad Hatter friend
Our time for today has come to an end.

Creation (a poem)

Okay, it started off as a poem for a theme. The theme was first encounter...it totally got off topic. But here it is. The creation of vampires.

Creation
I saw him from across the room

As he hid in the shadows of doom

I couldn't help but to be drawn to him

I moved towards him, an undeniably dangerous whim

The world seemed to come to a halt

My heart could not take the assault

He was all I could see, all I could feel

My fate was locked with an unbreakable seal

His gaze was blazing with thirst

The moment he arrived my life became cursed

I did not know who he was, nor where he was from

But at that moment my rational thought became numb

Every thought overcome with his eyes

So dark and cold and full of surprise

His hair was long and fair, his skin was just as pale

Standing in front of him, he touched my face as if I was frail

Memories came flooding in, memories of lives of the past

Lives with him, lives that never last

He dropped his head as he realized my distress

I only moved closer, is was  mine to possess

Did he know of our connection?

Does he know of our long lives of affection?

It didn't matter now, he was mine once more

This time he would not forget our war

A war against the gods who tore us apart

This time the gods would face my black art

I would break their spell on his soul

I will defeat them and gain control

No more will I wait to find him at some future time

I will get revenge for their cold crime

Love can never be torn apart forever

The heart and soul is very clever

This is his first encounter with me in this life

And his last encounter, I am his wife

I will return is soul and restore his mind

The gods are dumb and will be blind

Together, my love and I will regain command

We will banish the gods to hell, they will be damned

I have roamed the earth for far too long

To force humanity into an immortal will make them strong

To ban an immortal from her throne is unlawful

It will not be forgiven, something so awful

They will meet my wrath

And sent down a different path

No more will they be eternal

They will have weakness and forced nocturnal

Their souls will be damned and broken

Out of fear, their names will be unspoken

Forced to roam the earth feared and hated

Forced to hide in the dark, their hearts will be tainted

These gods will never be allowed to find home

They will always and forever roam

They will be called criminals and monstrosities

They will see no kindness or generosity

They will feed on the humans they once loved

They will be the nightmares humans write of

I will call them vampires

I will be their Queen

I will destroy them for what they have done to me

I will make them pay for taking away my love

A Touchy Subject, Part 1: Religion

I know that just by reading the title you are telling yourself, "this girl is about to stick her foot in her mouth." Or "what makes her so special that she feels the need to talk about religion?" The second one is easy to answer, I am entitled to my opinion. As for the first comment, just hear me out before you go all postal on me.

I am not going to tell you that one religion is right or that another one is wrong. I am in no position to decide that matter. What I am in a position to say is that, while I do no know which religion is correct, I feel that all religions should have a say. Maybe I am not clear with that statement, so just keep reading.

I was raised baptist, southern baptist I believe. Let me tell you why I no longer consider myself baptist. Baptist believe in the same old thing, God, Heaven, Hell, Satan, Jesus...you know that old run down. One thing that I totally disagree with when it comes to baptist is that I should fear the very...thing/person/creature...that created me. I should fear God, the one I call my Father. That did not set well with me, I don't fear anyone, not even Satan himself. Once I was old enough to figure there was really no justification for this fear I decided to venture out and look at other religions.

I didn't look a lot or research like you may think I did. No, I got lazy and decided that there probably was not a religion to suit my beliefs. I did look a little into things, I had family that were a different religion than Baptist and I knew a little about other religions. What happened? I denounced all religions! I found that most that I had already looked into all fell under the category of 'Christianity' so I called myself a Christian for a while but then I found the flaws in that as well.

See, the thing about the Christians I came across, (THE ONES I CAME ACROSS! Meaning I am not grouping you all into one so you can stop cursing me under your breath) was that they were not very Christian like. They were cruel, evil, judgmental, and often times racist. Most of them look down on interracial relationships as well as same sex relationships. Yet, the God that I have come to believe in accepts all for who they are, so why should I judge these people when it is not my place?

I could go on and on about the things I do not like about most religions. There are a few I like and wish to learn more about like Hinduism and other religions from other countries. It almost seems as those religions from other countries are more spiritual than the 'Christianity' that is most commonly practiced in America. One of my favorites that I have studied would be the Wiccan or Pagan religions.

Oh, yes, the religion of the witches! If you seriously thought that you need to smack yourself a bit. Sure some people in these religions choose to practice magic and consider themselves witches but just as many use this religion to become one with the earth, wind, fire, water, and spirit. Sure, the rituals look like what you see in horror movies, but horror movies like to take small things like that and make them what they are not. A ritual of protection is a beautiful ritual! Actually, many of the rituals are beautiful and graceful.

Now, though I like the Wiccan religion, I feel I have not studied it enough to actually convert, nor can I bring myself to completely break from what I have grown up knowing because there are parts that I believe in my heart are true. So I have come up with my own religion just until I can find one that truly matches what I am looking for.

What are my beliefs? Well, I believe in Heaven, Hell, and an inbetween world, though I do not have a name for it and it is not purgatory. It is just a place where people can wait for their loved ones before they continue on to the great place called Heaven. Hell, I do not think it is as vicious as most are lead to believe. Ever watched 'Little Nickey' with Adam Sandler, its a funny side of hell, or how about 'What dreams May Come' with Robbin Williams. In that movie Hell is different for every person. For instance, the woman that kills herself in this movie is sent to a hell where she does not know who she is, where she is, or who she is missing. She is lost in a dark world where no one can reach or save her. She will live for all eternity broken and always missing and always looking for someone. Though it seems harsh, I like the idea that there is a different hell for every individual, a hell that fits the crime. Then in the same movie 'What Dreams May Come' there are different Heavens, a place that you feel most peaceful. I do not believe Heaven has streets paved in Gold, what is the point in that?

I also believe there is more than one God, and I believe there are goddesses as well. Take mother nature for example, who is to say she is not the Goddess of Nature?

Now, the one thing that really irks me about religion is how each religion seems to be at each others throat. "my religion is the right one and you are going to burn in hell for not believing in it!" Yeah, how many times have you heard that. Okay, so maybe not so bluntly but it is said. Who is to say what the true religion is? And what if they are all connected in some way, making all religions correct?

So maybe instead of shouting at one another we should take each other in new eyes. Learn about each others religion straight from the people who know the most about them, the ones who practice that religion. And maybe we should start following the rules of any religion. Do not judge, accept all, don't kill each other, be kind.

Sure, we could use the 10 commandments as a guideline to the world but if you really think about it, we already are using those as a guideline. Why does what religion we practice have to be what defines us? And why does ONE religion have to be right?

I know that after reading this someone is going to think I am some kind of devil worshiper or something of the sort and that is fine. I do not judge you. I accept people of different ethnicity's dating, I accept people who decide to have a same sex partner, I accept those who do not believe in God or anything past this life, and I accept those of you are are putting me down because of what I believe in. I have peace of mind knowing that no matter what lies ahead of me after death, it will be great and wonderful.

And no matter what your religion, when you start bad mouthing someone for what they believe in, think about the God, gods, goddess or spirits that you believe in. What would they say to you for being such a close minded and judgmental person? Would they be happy about the things you are saying about the person they created?

Creativity runs in the family

So, I just had to blog about two people in my family that have really shown a flare of creativity. You know what, make that three. I have three people to spam everyone with because they are all so awesome!

First I give you my mom!
One Four One (etsy)
One Four One (Facebook)

She makes some awesome jewelry! I hope to be setting up a blog for her soon. I think that will help out a ton.

Number two, My brother Moo. Well, he goes by either Moo, Cookie, Kyle or Prototype. He makes some wicked awesome beats. He only has one up on youtube right now though, but check it out anyways.
Beat #1 
Be sure to subscribe if you like it.

And number 3 is my cousin Rusty, and he makes some really funny videos.
Castle848's latest video
Be sure to subscribe if you like it. Take a look at his other videos as well!

Until we meet again

Trying to make this work

I have decided that it would be awesome to have a super popular blog! While reading a few things on how to make my blog popular the one thing that could possibly stop my domination of the blog world would be the fact that I don't blog everyday. I always find something to keep myself busy, like being lazy, instead of sitting at my computer and typing out a few words.

Part of my new year resolution was to become a much more productive person. So far, the first week I have not been so productive. I have managed to wait until the last minute to do my school work, waited until the weekend to work on my book (the book taht is still sitting on my bed open at chapter 5 waiting for me to finish editing it) and I have skipped a few work outs this week. Yeah, I am not doing so good on this resolution thing.

I want to start week two of 2011 a little differently. I want to do everything I can possibly cram into one day. By the time I am ready for bed I will be so drained and tired that all I can do is lay down and pass out. This is exactly why I bought my new planner, so I can plan out my days and get everything done that needs to be done. I am going to do this.

When I set down to plan out tomorrow I will make sure to add an hour in there to blog. Why an hour? Well, I have two blogs that I am trying to keep up with. This one and my fitness blog. I have been keeping up with my other blog rather well, only a few missed blogs this week. This blog on the other hand, I always find things I want to write about and then I forget. What kind of writer does that make me?

There are a few things that you should look forward to seeing from now on. First, if I can't think of something awesome to write I may just write a short story for you. I could write a run down of how my day went, hopefully without boring you to death. Possibly post a rather intelligent blog here and there.

In the long run, I want this blog to  be a place for people to come and read about me and my thoughts. When I finally get a book published and quit my job so I can write more books, I want this to be a place for my readers and fans to come find out more about me. I know it is weird, but I really enjoy reading about my favorite authors and what they are doing. I know that many other readers are the same way, so I want to give the people what they want. I want to give people a look into my life, from before I published my book all the way until I fizzle out and pass on to the great unknown.

Here is my promise to the few people that read my blogs now. I promise to blog everyday no matter how boring I think it may be, no matter how few views or comments I get. I know that one day this blog will serve it's true purpose and when that day gets here I will rejoice.

Until we meet again

It really is Magic!

It's really funny, some of the things you think about when you are alone. Or maybe it is just me? I believe in a lot of things and magic is one of those things.

Today while driving to the store I figured something out. Actually, it is more of a question than figuring anything out.

Think about this, the sun, the very thing that gives us light during the day, is just a star very very far away. Yet, it shines so bright it gives us light, heat and power! It gives us light, not just during the day, but at night too. That is why the moon seems to have a glow to it because the light from the sun bounces of the moon and gives a nice nightly glow. Sure, there is a "scientific" explanation for all this. But if you really think about it, its magic!

Seriously, why made a big ball of gas ignite, causing a star or our sun? And then, what gave it the power, the strength and heat to give earth life? We have tons of theories, some come down to science and others come down to God. I tend to believe God lit the sun on fire and decided that earth needed the sun to live. What if God is just a magician, warlock, witch, wizard that created this wonderful place we call home?

God could be like a writer, only with the power to make the world he writes about come to life. And if you don't believe in God maybe the whole magic thing makes more sense. Unless you are one of those boring people that believe everything has a scientific explination.

My opinion, there is no such thing as a scientific explanation. What there is, is a bunch of men in white lab coats making up words and stories to make people feel safe in their boring lives.

The point of this all is, if we can believe and see that the sun heats up and provides light to the world, why can we not believe in magic, when magic is right there in front of us? Why is it such a bad thing to believe in something we can not wrap our minds around? I sometimes find it hard to wrap my mind around heaven and God but I still believe in them both, yet that is acceptable?

I wish that I could have lived back in the time where people believed that "I curse you for a thousand years!" was an actual threat. You know, back when women wore dresses that they made themselves and everyone lived in homes where the only heat was a fire. Are you following me?

I guess I just wish more people believed in the unbelievable as much as I do. I wish there were more people that were not afraid to dream and not afraid to voice their opinions. I want to go back to a time where if I say I believe in vampires people would say "You gotta be careful of those blood suckers. They steal your soul and pass their curse on to you." And say it with a straight, fear filled, face.

I refuse to deny my beliefs because the world says I am crazy for believing in such things.

Until we meet again

Breaking Free

I have finally realized a few things in my life that have been holding me back. Things that I do all the time that I know I shouldn't. For 2011 I am determined to let things go so that I can move on and become the woman I am supposed to be.

I am strong but I let the fear of failure stop me. I am wise but I let the fear of saying something stupid stop me. I am fun, amazing, beautiful, caring, creative and just plain me, but I let the fear of life stop me.

For as long as I can remember I have been accustomed to hide in the corner, in the shadows, away from everyone. Always because I was so afraid someone would notice my flaws and point them out. And while pointing them out they would break me down more than I have already broken myself. What I am starting to realize is that my flaws are what make me unique. Because of my flaws I should walk with my head held high and smile brightly to the world.

It has taken me a while to figure out life. It has taken me, what seems like forever, that all I need in this world is the acceptance from me. When it comes to me, my opinion is the only one that should matter. If I think I look beautiful today, than I do! And you can't tell me any different. All that matters is the confidence I gain from encouraging myself. Once I can accept myself others will accept me.

People are like dogs...hold on before you laugh. Think about a dog, they are good at sniffing things out. Dogs that sniff out drugs, dead bodies, lost children, gas leaks...and what ever else is lost and needs to be found (that has a scent anyways.) And humans are the same way. We sniff out weakness and we cling to that. We can tell when a young girl has no confidence in herself because she walks with her head down, her hair hiding her face, and possibly black and baggy clothes. We can tell when a young boy has no confidence because he tends to pick on the kids that are smaller than him and pointing out their flaws.

The sad thing about it is, some people gain confidence from hurting people that already have little to no confidence. That is just, sick. Sick! But, its even worse that these people let words, simple, meaningless words, get to them. I was one of those people. I used to hate myself because of what other people had said about me.

I am sure that you can guess it, but I was picked on in school. Not so much in High School because I had good friends that backed me up. But before high school I felt like school was nothing more than hell. I wish that I had known then how little those words would mean to me 10 years later.Maybe then I could have been a happier child.

But, to make up for my ignorance then, I will learn to accept myself now. And not just that, I will learn to accept others for who they are. It's the best thing we can do for each other, right?

I say, try smiling at that people that seem sad. Smile at everyone. I was once told that a smile could brighten someones day, it's true. Who knows how many people we could give hope to, just from a smile.

So, I have decided, I am going to break free from humanity. I am going to rise above the torture that we cause each other. I will find happiness in everything I can. And I will show everyone what I have found. You just wait and see. I will change the world.

Until we meet again