Tuesday of last week a fellow co-worker killed himself. No one knows why and a few people know how (Don't worry, I won't tell.) Since then things have been running through my mind. Like, what would have happened if I had stopped to say hello to him? But, that might not have done any good. Who knows. And through all this I have heard some mixed fillings about what happened.
Some people think that it's stupid to kill yourself. "There is always a light at the end of the tunnel." But when things have taken a turn for the worse you don't see that light. All you see is dark...nothing...hopelessness. Depression at its worse.
Others understand suicide. Some, because they have been there. I have been there. No, I never went through it. I have my parents to thank for that because they never gave me a chance to be alone long enough end it all without getting caught in time for someone to save me.
Here is the thing about suicide. Once you are to that point no one can talk you out of it. I am sure you have heard those people that threaten to kill themselves. Sure, some might be serious but most of the time that is the only way they know how to ask for help. They WANT help.
When you lose all hope and you want it to end you don't want help. You don't want anyone to stop you or try to talk you out of it. You are in a very dark place, a lost soul with nothing to guide you back to peace. You think there is nothing left for you, no one loves you, no one would miss you and that the world is better off with out you. And at that moment, it all makes sense. At that moment you are a shadow hiding in a dark corner. No one sees you and you wear a mask so if someone catches a glimpse they think they see someone else.
This place can never be explained to where everyone will understand. And if you make it out, you don't want to look back. You are ashamed to have gotten to that point, to have forgotten that there is always hope laying under a dirty ugly rug somewhere.
The point I am trying to get across, suicide is not always planned. It just happens. It happens when everything breaks. You are standing back looking into a broken mirror as your soul falls apart. There is no way to repair it, no way to piece it back together. It is just broken, hope is gone. Darkness surrounds you and the demons are your friends.
And you know, this goes for depression too. Suicide is just the bad ending to depression. Some of us make it back, others don't.
It just hurts to see people snarling their nose at someone because they took their life. Until you understand it yourself you can't judge that person. To the outside world that person may have had the best life ever. To that person life is hopeless, loveless, empty.
I would not wish it on anyone to go through something that leads you to consider suicide. I do not wish it on anyone to even have a dark moment but sometimes it helps you understand what the world is going through.
Last week brought a lot of memories back. A lot of dark memories that I would rather forget. But it also helped me open my eyes. I can't look at a smiling face the same anymore. I actually listen to people. I make eye contact and I smile. You never know who you are saving with a smile and a simple hello. It doesn't take much effort.
Every once in a while we need a reminder that the world is not as strong as it puts on. Some people need an extra hand. And giving that extra hand can boost our own mood. We should all want to help people. We are kind of stuck on the planet together...might as well make it fun.
