Lost

Oh yeah, I photoshoped that myself. :P

I have been so depressed lately. I wanted to say I didn't know why. I wanted to sulk in misery, I wanted people to feel bad for me, and most of all I wanted people to ask me what was wrong. When no one did and no one seemed to notice my current mood it made everything that much worse. I started feeling like a ghost, a stalker, a lurker, a nobody. I just wanted to fade into the background while everyone forgot me.

Now, I know its not true. I know that some people noticed my mood change. For one, my mom always knows when I am really down, she just doesn't say much because I crank out the "bitch" mode when she says anything. Seriously, it makes me feel like a horrible person when I get mad at my mom and the only thing she was trying to do was look out for me. I guess the reason I snap at her quicker than anyone is because I know that no matter what she will always love me. But, I am also guessing that there comes a time when even that is stretched to its limits. So, in a way I am glad my mom hasn't asked me what was wrong or tried to get me to talk about my mood lately. I would hate to snap at the only person that seems to care some times. I know that others have noticed, just no one says anything because they think it is not their place to say anything. I can appreciate that too.

This was something I had to work through for myself. I had to beat the overwhelming feeling and ugly thoughts. It had to be me, to make me stronger. Though all I wanted to do was lay down and...pretty much die. I wanted to fade out of existence and never return. I wanted to be erased from everyone's memory so that I could go to a dark place of pain and misery because I felt that is what I deserved. I felt like I was worth nothing, not even the dirt I stood on.

Today, I started the process of pulling myself back up. I am filling in the grave I was digging for myself and taking apart my coffin. I am reapplying my smile and updating my laugh. I am taking the weight of the world off my shoulders and I have decided to take things one step at a time. I am accepting the fact that I make mistakes, I make myself look like a total loser in front of people I try to impress, and I am going to be okay with that. I am only human and I am allowed to make mistakes.

I also figured out what my problem was. College is almost over! I have decided to not go back, though that could change between now and March. I may decide to go back and major in creative writing of possibly early childcare...or what ever that thing is with kids. lol Though, I am more of a creative writing person then I am a childcare person...

The thing is, what happens after you are done with school. I am not sure I want to work in my field...basically because I do not feel like that is where I belong. And it is sad to think that the friends I have made the past few years I will lose touch with. I was never good at keeping in touch with people, no matter how much I want to keep in touch. I guess I am just not a people person.

The idea that school is over is one of the scariest things I have ever thought of. I mean, after college you are supposed to move on with your life. Get a good job, get married, have kids and a nice home, accomplish your goals and fulfill your dreams. That is life...that is it. Nothing more, nothing less...right? It just seems so final. Its almost like life just doesn't start until you decide to finish school. Close that chapter and start a new one. Maybe it is just me? Maybe I have continued to go to school for so long because I was afraid of life. Afraid to move on and make something of myself. I am afraid of letting every one down, of letting myself down.

Sure, I talk about the military a lot and how I want to go in and travel the world. But even that right now scares the life out of me. It makes me want to hide under the covers, cover my ears, and squeeze my eyes tight until it's safe to come out again. Like a little kid afraid of the dark...I am the adult afraid of life. Is there really anything to be afraid of? Plenty of people go on with life and enjoy it.

That's not all to this story either. There are also the bills and how stupid I have been with my fiances. I have all these student loans on top of all the stupid credit cards that are almost maxed out and the loan I got to get a new computer. I am very impatient. And that is a very dangerous problem in today's world. Maybe I should try to improve that.

There are a few other things that have aided in my depression the past few weeks. Things that need not be said out loud because I feel like an idiot for the reason. One probably has more to do with valentines day...you can figure it out from there. Oh, I will just go ahead and say it. After 25 years, one loses hope that love even exist! You start to question yourself after a while. Am I too ugly? To shut down from the world? Am I closed to receiving what could possibly be a flirty smile? Am I so guarded that guys fear even thinking about me as more than a friend? Am I just not open enough? Have I really shut the world out? Is it my teeth? My hair? My face? My lazy eye? Do I have bad breath? Am I really that hard to even look at? Yeah, you get the picture. Don't tell me "Oh, you are better off not in a relationship" and usually the ones saying that are the ones that are in a relationship and possibly happy but try to make it seem like they are unhappy about it. I don't get that. And please spare me the "You will find the right one some day" some day doesn't seem to be coming any time soon.

I am done ranting now. I actually feel so much better now. I don't care how stupid my rant seems. It made me feel better. It sucks not knowing where to go with your life...though I have an idea. It sucks not being able to have that special someone in your life. And it sucks not being able to share your thoughts and feelings with the ones you love because you just don't like showing emotion (yet another things I should work on.) *sigh* At least I do know where I need to work on things.

Until we meet again