It's funny, I get so mad and jealous when I see how far people have taken their lives. All of my friends are either married with kids, married, engaged, or living on their own. Even the people in my family that I grew up with, most of them are moved out of their parents house make a life for themselves. They all have these amazing stories and they are always going out and having fun.
Then there is me. Stuck. Chained to a part of life I just can't let go of. Still living at home with my parents, still in college. And I think the biggest reason I am still in college is so I have an excuse to still be living with my parents. Of course I like the idea that I can tell people I have a 4 year degree, it makes me feel smart. But, my heart is just not in it anymore. I have so much that I want to do. I want to join the military and become a published author. I want to travel the world and have more than one home.
I can't do that though, because I have chained myself to the past. I have stopped myself from growing up like I should. The idea of moving on scares the crap out of me. Facing the world alone is a very scary concept. I fear what will happen when I finally move out of my parents house. How, even though we still talk, we will all somewhat grow apart. We will go our separate ways and nothing will be the same. And, so I don't have to face that, to face the future, I live in the past. I don't let myself grow and open up to the world.
I want to stay right were I am. I want to be that teenager in high school again. The teenager that loves her parents but just wishes they would give her a little more freedom. The teenager whose biggest worry is homework and if that really cute guy she spotted could possibly find it in his heart to like her.
Now, I sit back and watch everyone move on. I watch as some struggle with reality and others flourish. Some create beautiful families and create beautiful homes and a group of new friends. Some disappear into an adventure I could not possibly imagine.
I sit here thinking that the life my friends live could never satisfy my adventurous soul. I am always looking for something magical, something simply amazing, something right out of a dream. And that is what has held me back for so long. I keep waiting for things to be perfect. I know nothing is perfect but there are perfect moments and that is what I am looking for. The perfect moment to step out and walk down the steps. The perfect moment to open the windows and let the sun shine in. The perfect moment to move on.
Maybe in 2011 I need to push forward anyways. I need to face reality and take it for what it is. I should leave back these silly, childish dreams of mine and grow up. I need to move on and step out of the past, over the now, and into the future. And that realization alone breaks my heart. Who ever wants to let go of their childhood dreams? But, then again, who has tried as hard as I have to hold on to them well past their expiration date?
I do have "adult" dreams. As I said before. I want to join the military and become a published author. I also, would one day, love to have a family of my own. Maybe once I make it there, it will not be as magical as I want it to be but it will be magical in its own right. I just have to put away the fear.
My 2011 resolution will be to try my best to work towards the dreams I know I can make happen myself. And while I will not let go of those fantasy dreams, I will not make them as important as I have in the past. I will work on finishing school for the final time and getting in shape to go into the military and FINALLY finishing my first book so that I can start sending it off and hope for the best while I start the next one. And as long as I keep what is most important up front, I might possibly find my other dreams along the way. I guess, at 25, it really is time to face the facts and grow up.
Until Next Time
*Heather*
I Don't Want to Grow Up!
Kids have it easier than they think they do. Sure, you have to listen to your parents, go to bed on time, do your homework, and you have everyone telling you what to do. But they don't think about what they don't have to put up with. They don't have to pay bills, go to work, worry about putting gas in the car, or being mature. They get away with acting silly and having a good time while me, I have to actually act like an adult (in some situations).
I remember being younger and thinking how awesome it would be to drive where ever I wanted to go. Now I think about how much gas it is going to take to get to where I NEED to go. It used to be so simple asking my mom to take me somewhere, though as I got older instead of getting to go I was told "I don't have money for gas." I even remember thinking how once I got a car I would ALWAYS have money for gas so I could go where ever I wanted to go. Needless to say, that didn't work out so well.
And what about how once we are teenagers we think we are adults and we know everything. We think the world is just full of adventures and nothing but great things. We just couldn't wait to gain that freedom we so longed for. Now, I want my freedom taken back so I don't have to face reality. The world is full of adventures, yes, but it is also full of hateful things that we didn't pay attention to when we were younger. Now, I would love to only worry about going to school every morning and getting my homework done.
Another thing I think about often is how I used to complain and put off doing my homework. Now, I would kill for the easy homework that I could easily make up as I went along. I miss not having to pay for school and getting stressed when I am loaded down with school work. When I was in public school, if I got loaded down with homework I would just shrug my shoulders and let something fall behind the desk. You can't do that in college. One missed homework assignment and you are fighting to keep a passing grade the rest of the time. And there is always that worry that if you fail a class you will have to retake and PAY for it again.
Growing up was the fun part. Being an adult and actually accepting all my responsibilities, not so fun. It gets better as I move forward and learn new things. Like, I have finally learned to manage my money so I always have a little to spend on myself. I have learned to manage my time as well. I know when I can watch tv or play a game and when I need to be studying or doing something productive. I have it a little easier than some adults because I do still live at home with my parents and my parents are awesome cause they don't ask for me to pay rent. So I don't have to worry about making a house payment or paying electric and water bills.
I do, however, have to worry about the bills that I built up on my own. One thing that most teenagers think is, "it would be so cool to have a credit card!" Yeah, I was one of those teenagers. I thought having a credit card was just the greatest thing ever. Now I wish I had been a little smarter and listened to my mom when she told me it was not all it was cracked up to be. Stupid teenagers.
My advice to any child, teenager, or young adults (anyone younger than 21) DO NOT get credit cards. Do not rush growing up. Enjoy the limited freedom you have right now because full freedom is not as fun as you think. Have fun being a kid and don't let go until you absolutely have to.
I admit that I am still holding on to the childishness that lives inside me. I enjoy laughing at something completely retarded. And I have my moments of immaturity. Actually, I probably have a lot of those moments. I also have my moments of adult immaturity (ex. Mind in the gutter). I just wish I could be a kid again. I wish I could play with barbies and dolls after school. Fight all night with my parents about how I have to go to bed too early and get up cranky cause I stayed up to late. I miss falling asleep in class and having lunch with all my classmates. And I miss looking forward to the weekends because I can sleep all day and try to stay up all night when in most cases I still fell asleep before midnight.
Oh, to be a child again.
Until Next time
*Heather*
I remember being younger and thinking how awesome it would be to drive where ever I wanted to go. Now I think about how much gas it is going to take to get to where I NEED to go. It used to be so simple asking my mom to take me somewhere, though as I got older instead of getting to go I was told "I don't have money for gas." I even remember thinking how once I got a car I would ALWAYS have money for gas so I could go where ever I wanted to go. Needless to say, that didn't work out so well.
And what about how once we are teenagers we think we are adults and we know everything. We think the world is just full of adventures and nothing but great things. We just couldn't wait to gain that freedom we so longed for. Now, I want my freedom taken back so I don't have to face reality. The world is full of adventures, yes, but it is also full of hateful things that we didn't pay attention to when we were younger. Now, I would love to only worry about going to school every morning and getting my homework done.
Another thing I think about often is how I used to complain and put off doing my homework. Now, I would kill for the easy homework that I could easily make up as I went along. I miss not having to pay for school and getting stressed when I am loaded down with school work. When I was in public school, if I got loaded down with homework I would just shrug my shoulders and let something fall behind the desk. You can't do that in college. One missed homework assignment and you are fighting to keep a passing grade the rest of the time. And there is always that worry that if you fail a class you will have to retake and PAY for it again.
Growing up was the fun part. Being an adult and actually accepting all my responsibilities, not so fun. It gets better as I move forward and learn new things. Like, I have finally learned to manage my money so I always have a little to spend on myself. I have learned to manage my time as well. I know when I can watch tv or play a game and when I need to be studying or doing something productive. I have it a little easier than some adults because I do still live at home with my parents and my parents are awesome cause they don't ask for me to pay rent. So I don't have to worry about making a house payment or paying electric and water bills.
I do, however, have to worry about the bills that I built up on my own. One thing that most teenagers think is, "it would be so cool to have a credit card!" Yeah, I was one of those teenagers. I thought having a credit card was just the greatest thing ever. Now I wish I had been a little smarter and listened to my mom when she told me it was not all it was cracked up to be. Stupid teenagers.
My advice to any child, teenager, or young adults (anyone younger than 21) DO NOT get credit cards. Do not rush growing up. Enjoy the limited freedom you have right now because full freedom is not as fun as you think. Have fun being a kid and don't let go until you absolutely have to.
I admit that I am still holding on to the childishness that lives inside me. I enjoy laughing at something completely retarded. And I have my moments of immaturity. Actually, I probably have a lot of those moments. I also have my moments of adult immaturity (ex. Mind in the gutter). I just wish I could be a kid again. I wish I could play with barbies and dolls after school. Fight all night with my parents about how I have to go to bed too early and get up cranky cause I stayed up to late. I miss falling asleep in class and having lunch with all my classmates. And I miss looking forward to the weekends because I can sleep all day and try to stay up all night when in most cases I still fell asleep before midnight.
Oh, to be a child again.
Until Next time
*Heather*
Christmas is coming!
I think my letter to Santa actually worked! I am in full Christmas mode now. About time though, Saturday is Christmas day. I got so into the spirit that I made goody bags for my class Thursday and took in candy canes for class Friday. The bags were not much but, hey, it was free candy! I even decorated my blogs for Christmas and my facebook is a little decked out as well as another online place I sometimes visit. So, most of my Christmas spirit has been expressed on the computer but isn't that where life takes place now? Sad I know, but true.
I am so excited about Christmas this year though. I usually miss out on my Grandparents Christmas get together because of work. This year I get off work at Noon! How awesome is that! I will be tired, yes, but I will get to my grandparents on time. Although, who knows what that is going to be like this year. The whole family seems to be on outs at the moment. I am not sure what is going on but there seems to always be a fight going on with them. And holidays usually mean a big fight. It is fun before the fights break out though. Then after that my parents, brother and I have to rush home to get the house and food ready for the get together we have every year.
Now the party at my house is always awesome! It's loud and crazy, chaotic really, but it is the most fun ever! I get to see family members that I have not seen since last Christmas and we catch up on what is going on. Now, because of life being on the net now, I do keep up with family members better than before. But it is still fun to see them. And we all have a good time over ham and sausage biscuits and what ever other random food people bring. You would think there was no planning to our party but there really is. It is always fantastic.
And then we come to Christmas day, all that other stuff happens Christmas Eve...busy day. Christmas day is a little more laid back. Because me and my brother still live at home my parents still go all out for the "Santa" thing. And me and my brother usually go all out for my parents and each other. And of course my brother is still a kid at heart, as is my dad, they are both up really early Christmas Day to open gifts. The rest of the day is spent playing with our new toys, even though toys now are anything electronic, and eating and of course napping all day. *sigh* I can't wait.
I keep talking to people about what they will be doing for Christmas and it is so funny to me to see the different things people do for Christmas. Some go everywhere on Christmas day and others take a trip out of town to go skiing. Then, some do everything on Christmas eve and Christmas day is just another day to them. What ever happened to the Christmas magic, where Christmas is all about getting together and having an awesome time. Laughing over egg nog (eww) and fruit cake (eww again). I think some where along the way we all forgot what Christmas is about. Sure it is the day Jesus was born and we are supposed to be celebrating that. We are supposed to celebrate the kindness of giving. So many people are worried about what they are getting. And lets not even bring up the Black Friday issue. Could people be any more evil!?
I should stop there before I go on a rant and lose my train of thought. Not that I really had a train of thought when I started this.
Before I go I would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and I hope that you all have a wonderful, safe time. And don't forget what Christmas is really about...if we even remember at all.
Until Next Time
*Heather*
I am so excited about Christmas this year though. I usually miss out on my Grandparents Christmas get together because of work. This year I get off work at Noon! How awesome is that! I will be tired, yes, but I will get to my grandparents on time. Although, who knows what that is going to be like this year. The whole family seems to be on outs at the moment. I am not sure what is going on but there seems to always be a fight going on with them. And holidays usually mean a big fight. It is fun before the fights break out though. Then after that my parents, brother and I have to rush home to get the house and food ready for the get together we have every year.
Now the party at my house is always awesome! It's loud and crazy, chaotic really, but it is the most fun ever! I get to see family members that I have not seen since last Christmas and we catch up on what is going on. Now, because of life being on the net now, I do keep up with family members better than before. But it is still fun to see them. And we all have a good time over ham and sausage biscuits and what ever other random food people bring. You would think there was no planning to our party but there really is. It is always fantastic.
And then we come to Christmas day, all that other stuff happens Christmas Eve...busy day. Christmas day is a little more laid back. Because me and my brother still live at home my parents still go all out for the "Santa" thing. And me and my brother usually go all out for my parents and each other. And of course my brother is still a kid at heart, as is my dad, they are both up really early Christmas Day to open gifts. The rest of the day is spent playing with our new toys, even though toys now are anything electronic, and eating and of course napping all day. *sigh* I can't wait.
I keep talking to people about what they will be doing for Christmas and it is so funny to me to see the different things people do for Christmas. Some go everywhere on Christmas day and others take a trip out of town to go skiing. Then, some do everything on Christmas eve and Christmas day is just another day to them. What ever happened to the Christmas magic, where Christmas is all about getting together and having an awesome time. Laughing over egg nog (eww) and fruit cake (eww again). I think some where along the way we all forgot what Christmas is about. Sure it is the day Jesus was born and we are supposed to be celebrating that. We are supposed to celebrate the kindness of giving. So many people are worried about what they are getting. And lets not even bring up the Black Friday issue. Could people be any more evil!?
I should stop there before I go on a rant and lose my train of thought. Not that I really had a train of thought when I started this.
Before I go I would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and I hope that you all have a wonderful, safe time. And don't forget what Christmas is really about...if we even remember at all.
Until Next Time
*Heather*
Dear Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a really good girl this year and I think I deserve a really awesome gift. But, there is a problem. See, I seem to have lost my Christmas spirit. It has gotten so bad I fail to understand the point of decorating. I always love decorating the tree and bugging my dad to put up the big Santa in the yard. By this time most years I am singing Christmas music and watching all these awesome Christmas movies. This year the movies are making it worse. I feel so heart broken that I can't seem to find that giddy happy holiday joy.
So Santa if you don't mind could you maybe make an early stop at my house and help me find my Christmas spirit? Then maybe you could possibly drop off a cute boyfriend for me too? Just kidding, sort of. I am searching really hard for my Christmas spirit this year but she seems to be hiding in a new spot this year. Christmas music isn't doing it for me, or movies, or even decorating...everything isn't going to help this year.
What is going to help? How can I find it? You are Santa, you should know how to find my spirit right? Work your magic and help me, please. I am so desperate to find that joy that always comes with the holidays.
And then after I find that I would like for you to help me find a little inspiration to help me lose the weight that I need and become healthy. See Santa, I don't want material things for Christmas this year. I think I just need some help in repairing my soul. I have lost a lot of it over the years. My holiday spirit, my inspiration and drive, and possibly even the part that allows me to let new people in. I seem to have shut down and I have gotten really good at pushing people away. And I am good at not letting people know much about me or who I really am. Although, I sometimes wonder if I even know who I am.
Santa, I know that you have a busy time this year, you know, delivering all those miracles and all. So if you can't help me out this year I will totally understand. I am sure there are people that deserve a miracle more than me. Just keep me on your list, even if it's at the bottom. Maybe one year you can make it to me. I will still believe in you.
With Love
*Heather*
I have been a really good girl this year and I think I deserve a really awesome gift. But, there is a problem. See, I seem to have lost my Christmas spirit. It has gotten so bad I fail to understand the point of decorating. I always love decorating the tree and bugging my dad to put up the big Santa in the yard. By this time most years I am singing Christmas music and watching all these awesome Christmas movies. This year the movies are making it worse. I feel so heart broken that I can't seem to find that giddy happy holiday joy.
So Santa if you don't mind could you maybe make an early stop at my house and help me find my Christmas spirit? Then maybe you could possibly drop off a cute boyfriend for me too? Just kidding, sort of. I am searching really hard for my Christmas spirit this year but she seems to be hiding in a new spot this year. Christmas music isn't doing it for me, or movies, or even decorating...everything isn't going to help this year.
What is going to help? How can I find it? You are Santa, you should know how to find my spirit right? Work your magic and help me, please. I am so desperate to find that joy that always comes with the holidays.
And then after I find that I would like for you to help me find a little inspiration to help me lose the weight that I need and become healthy. See Santa, I don't want material things for Christmas this year. I think I just need some help in repairing my soul. I have lost a lot of it over the years. My holiday spirit, my inspiration and drive, and possibly even the part that allows me to let new people in. I seem to have shut down and I have gotten really good at pushing people away. And I am good at not letting people know much about me or who I really am. Although, I sometimes wonder if I even know who I am.
Santa, I know that you have a busy time this year, you know, delivering all those miracles and all. So if you can't help me out this year I will totally understand. I am sure there are people that deserve a miracle more than me. Just keep me on your list, even if it's at the bottom. Maybe one year you can make it to me. I will still believe in you.
With Love
*Heather*
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