Chained to the past

It's funny, I get so mad and jealous when I see how far people have taken their lives. All of my friends are either married with kids, married, engaged, or living on their own. Even the people in my family that I grew up with, most of them are moved out of their parents house make a life for themselves. They all have these amazing stories and they are always going out and having fun.

Then there is me. Stuck. Chained to a part of life I just can't let go of. Still living at home with my parents, still in college. And I think the biggest reason I am still in college is so I have an excuse to still be living with my parents. Of course I like the idea that I can tell people I have a 4 year degree, it makes me feel smart. But, my heart is just not in it anymore. I have so much that I want to do. I want to join the military and become a published author. I want to travel the world and have more than one home.

I can't do that though, because I have chained myself to the past. I have stopped myself from growing up like I should. The idea of moving on scares the crap out of me. Facing the world alone is a very scary concept. I fear what will happen when I finally move out of my parents house. How, even though we still talk, we will all somewhat grow apart. We will go our separate ways and nothing will be the same. And, so I don't have to face that, to face the future, I live in the past. I don't let myself grow and open up to the world.

I want to stay right were I am. I want to be that teenager in high school again. The teenager that loves her parents but just wishes they would give her a little more freedom. The teenager whose biggest worry is homework and if that really cute guy she spotted could possibly find it in his heart to like her.

Now, I sit back and watch everyone move on. I watch as some struggle with reality and others flourish. Some create beautiful families and create beautiful homes and a group of new friends. Some disappear into an adventure I could not possibly imagine.

I sit here thinking that the life my friends live could never satisfy my adventurous soul. I am always looking for something magical, something simply amazing, something right out of a dream. And that is what has held me back for so long. I keep waiting for things to be perfect. I know nothing is perfect but there are perfect moments and that is what I am looking for. The perfect moment to step out and walk down the steps. The perfect moment to open the windows and let the sun shine in. The perfect moment to move on.

Maybe in 2011 I need to push forward anyways. I need to face reality and take it for what it is. I should leave back these silly, childish dreams of mine and grow up. I need to move on and step out of the past, over the now, and into the future. And that realization alone breaks my heart. Who ever wants to let go of their childhood dreams? But, then again, who has tried as hard as I have to hold on to them well past their expiration date?

I do have "adult" dreams. As I said before. I want to join the military and become a published author. I also, would one day, love to have a family of my own. Maybe once I make it there, it will not be as magical as I want it to be but it will be magical in its own right. I just have to put away the fear.

My 2011 resolution will be to try my best to work towards the dreams I know I can make happen myself. And while I will not let go of those fantasy dreams, I will not make them as important as I have in  the past. I will work on finishing school for the final time and getting in shape to go into the military and FINALLY finishing my first book so that I can start sending it off and hope for the best while I start the next one. And as long as I keep what is most important up front, I might possibly find my other dreams along the way. I guess, at 25, it really is time to face the facts and grow up.

Until Next Time
*Heather*