You ever have one of those days where you just want to hide under the covers all day? You know, the days where nothing seems worth getting out of bed and opening your bedroom door. You sit and wonder what could possibly be the cause of this issue and then your mind is racing trying to figure out the root of the problem. Although I have been trying to figure it out all day I still have no good explanation for the way I feel.
Sure there are a lot of things in life that I would like to wish away. Like pile of mail waiting for me to open...its all medical bills so I don't want to open it. It's almost like I think it will just go away if I ignore it long enough. Great way to think right? Then there is the fact that I am a little behind with my school work...although not as much now because I actually did some homework this morning. (Go me!). I am still about two weeks behind. Of course if I actually went to class like I am supposed to I might not be so far behind...I told you I was a bad student. And then there is the ever lingering gloom that comes with a single life. It is always this time of year that being single really sucks. Just think about it.
Thanksgiving is for family. Yay family and getting together and stuffing our faces. And then along comes Christmas with all its fun loving movies and happy thoughts and feelings. But under it all something else lies. Beneath all the wonderfulness that is Christmas, family fun, and seeing people you have not seen in ages, Christmas brings a different feeling. People get all romantic, spending time with their "true loves", proposing and giving special gifts. And no matter what there is always those Christmas specials where that is a single person and all they want for Christmas is a special someone to spend the holidays with. Don't deny it, you know its true. Christmas is sometimes worse that Valentines day for a single girl. Sure, it hasn't always bothered me so bad, but things always change. Broken hearts left in pieces only turn into fine dust that can not be repaired. And did you know that it is possible for someone to break your heart without them even knowing? Well, it is very much so possible.
Enough about the single life being so horrible. It does have it's advantages. Like, not having to worry about answering text messages asking where I am and what I am doing. Or having to worry about if he is cheating on me or fear he will eventually dump me and break my heart. And the fact that I can flirt with who ever I feel like...even though I doubt I even know how to flirt. I am a sad sad story!
And now enough about all of that. That is not what this blog was supposed to be about. Or was it? Who am I kidding, I didn't even have a set topic really.
Back to feeling like there is no reason to wake up. I think my main problem is that I am afraid to grab life by the balls and squeeze until I make it scream in pain. I am too afraid that my next move could ruin everything I am working for. I am stuck in decision mode...kind of like build mode in Sims, until you hit play nothing moves forward. I am just stuck in one place. I am stuck in the same spot I was in when I graduated high school. Still living at home with my parents, still struggling to make the small bills I have collected. Sure, life like this is simple but what have I accomplished? What have I proven? I did notice today that I can finally take care of my own animals...I bet I could have a fish now and it wouldn't die because I forgot to feed it! Laugh if you must but, hey, it is a slight improvement.
I could go on and on about things in my life that I need to fix but honestly my biggest problem is reality. I hate reality, seriously hate reality. But that could possibly be because I spend so much time in my little fantasy worlds. You know, the worlds where vampires save me from my boring life and I go off making pacts with werewolves and Witches. And of course I get the fairies to braid and curl my hair because they are the best at doing so. And don't forget about the dragons and unicorns. Though I much prefer to ride a dragon high into the sky almost touching the heavens, sometimes it is fun to race through the purple forest on the back of a white unicorn. I could dream all day, making up worlds that no one would have ever thought of, of worlds that gleam with happiness and joy. Worlds that are nothing like this world with its violent wars and angry men and women looking for revenge.
And on that note I should say goodnight before my imagination runs to wild and I can not find my way back. Although, I have often wondered how bad it would be to find myself in a mental institution with nothing to do but hide in my fantasy world. I wonder if I could really lose myself completely and go mad. Who knows...don't worry I won't actually try...if it happens in happens.
Until we meet again
Heather
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