Yeah, I just got that feeling. Instead of doing something to avoid thinking about it, I blog. Really? Yeah, because for some reason I want everyone to know my business. Makes no sense does it?
But what am I missing?? I just can't figure it out! I have a job, I am working on an awesome book that is almost ready, I have friends to hang out with. What is missing? Excitement is pretty much not there...but that also cost money. Yeah, excitement cost money. Even if you can do something for free, you have to pay for the gas to get there...unless you are superman and you can run where you need to be. That would be awesome. I wish I was a super hero!
There is this terrible empty feeling in my chest. I feel like I have messed up somewhere...guilt? But for what? I have done nothing wrong have I?
I noticed today that I am missing a few friends on facebook. After thinking about it, I thought that maybe I ran them off. I am good at running people off. I am always talking about killing people (haha!) I don't actually mean it. Honestly, I couldn't hurt anyone if I had to! I used to take Karate when I was younger and I couldn't spar with anyone because I didn't want to hurt them. And we had gear on so we wouldn't get hurt! I just can't bring myself to hurt people. I just thought you all should know that.
Honestly, this probably should have went with my blog of secrets, I talk about death, stabbing people, hurting people, blood guts and gore because then I don't look so vulnerable. I don't like the weak female that most people see when they see me. And I am starting to think that I have screwed myself up. *sigh* What do I do? I can't just pull the curtain back that has been there for so long. It's a steal curtain too so its really heavy! I am too stubborn to ask for help. Maybe I need more help then I think.I seriously do not like the sight of real blood...unless it's my own. I know how messed up that sounds! My stomach doesn't turn or anything, I just feel bad for the person bleeding. I care more than I show. I care too much. That is why I joke about death and hurting people, to hide how much I really care.
Maybe I should pull my heart out of its cage and put it back on my sleeve where I really want it to be.
How did I get to that from lacking?? Maybe the freedom to care is what I am lacking. I am lacking the connection with people. I have worked really heard to distance myself from the world. I don't want people to know when I care, when I hurt, when I am crushed. I don't want the world to see me as weak. I want to be strong and feared?? Not feared, respected. I guess I lack emotion. But how does one work on that?
I must go ponder on this...maybe this is why I am still single. lol